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July 5, 2007
Was there a fiercly independent Smurf?
I would like to extend you all a warm welcome to my neurosis. Have a seat, anywhere is fine, everyone can see the show from exactly where they are.
You ever find yourself just chugging along, getting a job done, being a perfectly reasonable, logical person, and then, as if a blink transported you to crazy land you're off being insane? No? Fine, just me, then.
I got an IM from a friend I went to Junior High School with. We keep in touch when we see each other online, and she's often in my thoughts. I haven't seen her in many years, and she asked if I was going to a mutual friend's baby shower.
She's married, of course, and expecting her first child. It was here that I think I blinked into Crazytown.
I think it's impossible to be over 30, with some fairly impressive long term relationship cred. under your belt and not experience the moments I am experiencing. If so, can someone tell me how?
It's a mix of doubt and some very strong feelings of helplessness. I've had career since my early 20's and yet there is some Darwin-like drive present that tells me I'm not yet successful. Of course not. For Darwin, to be successful means breeding. Great shelter? Check. Working body parts? I think so. A partner with suitable mating DNA? Check. "What's the problem?" asks Darwin.
The problem is I am grumpy smurf.
When I was young, my mom and I went to Lechters. There was something she needed on the top shelf, and I went to get it. "MyName!", she exclaimed, "don't do that! That's for a man to do." It was about then that I developed my tell-tale glare, climbed up the shelves and got it myself. "Meh", I said. I am grumpy smurf.
Here is the problem folks, I need to trust someone. It's not that the person I have in mind to mate with isn't trustworthy. On the contrary he's about the greatest person I have ever been involved with. He knows me, and while there are aspects of my personality I'm sure he can do without, he's aware of them, and loves me all the same. What more can I ask for?
This is the man who dubbed me his "loud, foul-mouthed, trash-talking, in-your-face, delicate flower"
That's me in a nutshell. And he loves it, mostly.
My conundrum is that I have to believe him. In order for us to get to the next level, I have to assume his intentions are pure. I have to trust him.
I was the girl cheering along with Simon and Garfunkel when they sang "I am a rock, I am an Islaaaaaand" It was me in the back row of a Def Leopard concert screaming "Love Bites!" If there's a lyric in a song expressing fierce independence, you can count on me singing it, while climbing up some structure trying to lift something too heavy, because "Hey! I don't need any stinking help!"
And yet, I do.
I can think of no other situation I've experienced in which I have to wait for something. I cannot simply take this, I cannot work hard for it. I have to surrender control, and trust.
I am insecure Smurf.
Posted by lysa at July 5, 2007 2:52 PM
Comments
Grumpy smurf in Smurfette's body...::giggle::
Posted by: Scottie at July 5, 2007 6:08 PM
"I think it's impossible to be over 30, with some fairly impressive long term relationship cred. under your belt and not experience the moments I am experiencing. If so, can someone tell me how?"
Yep, it's possible.
Nope, no one can tell you how. Why not?
Because none of us are *you*, gorgeous. :-)
Posted by: Reid at July 5, 2007 7:45 PM
Um... yeah. There's so much to say, but most of it would be hypocritical, so I'll keep it to I know where you're coming from. And it is all of those Smurfs put together that make the woman we all know and love.
And a jaded PS- once you get the promise, you'll be on to your next set of neurosis. Trust me, it's always something...
Posted by: Robyn at July 7, 2007 7:54 PM
I agree with wobyn and reid. It's always something, and no one can give you the answers. Just have to be the most reasonable you that you can be and figure everything out as you go, like everyone else. Life's a journey, not a destination. Now, wasn't that helpful??
love the smurf gif
Posted by: Kbee at July 9, 2007 12:35 PM